Thursday, February 18, 2010 @ 5:17 PM


Before I start, I want to remind you once again that I fucking love you and I want you more than anything; No matter what I've said in the past.

You've showed me what love really feels like, and how hard it is to watch someone that means just about everything walk out of my life. I learned how cruel life and love could be; I can't just sit around and expect it to come to me when I didn't do shit to deserve it. I've also learned that I can't get what I want unless I really try. The past two days have been the fucking worse days of my life. It feels like hell without you. My friends have tried to cheer me up, doing everything they possibly can to make me happy again. They told me I didn't need you. At first, their words came to me. I believed them and I tried to move on. I told myself I could do so much fucking better without you. I pushed you away thinking that I could get over you if I did, but I couldn't. I wanted to, but you just kept coming into my thoughts and the more I thought about it, the more I needed you and missed everything you did. You've left me with this empty feeling. It feels like nothing can ever fill in that space except for you, which sucks, because it doesn't seem like I will be able to bring you back. I have tried to forget about what you've done for me and what you said before. But I couldn't, no matter how much I fucking tried. You've been with me for too long, well, it feels like it was for me. You not being here is just too big of a change. It feels like you've become a part of ME, I can't get rid of you. It feels like you're always here. You've left so much memories. I can NOT forget you, I've already tried and failed. It's impossible. The shit I said before, doesn't mean much, what I'm saying right now is how I really feel.

The way you acted towards me made me think that you didn't give a fuck about anything I said. You sounded like you weren't going to change your mind and like you lost all hope. I didn't think anything would change because I've tried multiple times and all you did was reject me. That seriously broke my heart. You acted as if what I said was total fucking bull shit. I had no choice but to assume all that, and since I did, I lost hope in myself also and I basically acted like I gave up at that point. I thought acting like I didn't care would help me feel better and maybe even help me get over this shit. I didn't see why I should keep on trying when you've rejected me so many fucking times. Nothing was improving. I'd just look like a desperate dumb ass. Making those blog posts made me feel better, just like you flirting with other girls cheered you up a bit, and I'm glad it did. Those words I said meant almost nothing, it was just something I did to trick myself so I'd stop feeling so fucking terrible. I'm sorry if that hurt you, but that was how you made me feel and think.

I thought I didn't need you at first. I was fine, and I didn't shed a single tear when you left me. I was a little disappointed, that's all. I was actually kind of glad that I didn't have anyone to boss me around telling me what to do and when to do it. I went to sleep with a bit of confidence because I thought I could get through this. Three hours later, at 3am, I woke up for no reason. I noticed my phone was gone, then I remembered that I got it taken away at school that day. I sighed and thought, "Damn, I can't text Codie." Then it fucking hit me. You weren't with me anymore. I was alone, you were gone. I didn't cry in the beginning, but then I started to think about what you've done for me, what you said and a million other things. That was when I started to cry. I cried like fuck actually; The fact that you were gone was too much for me to handle. I couldn't breathe- at all, my heart felt so heavy. I felt like I was going to die. I really can't explain everything I was thinking about at that moment. All I remember is that I was sad as hell. The space where you used to be is empty now, and it hurts just too damn much. It was then I realized that I needed you more than fucking anything. I thought my friends could make me feel better and help me forget you but they just can't. No one could ever give me the same joyous feeling you have given me. Before all this happened, I even thought about getting another boyfriend, but I realized NOBODY could ever replace you. NO ONE can do the same things you've done for me. Never, ever. I feel like I can't live without you, and this is why I want you back so fucking much. Losing you felt like I just lost a part of myself, and the way you acted towards me even after everything I said to you disappointed me. It seemed like it meant absolutely NOTHING to you, and it seemed like whatever I say and no matter how much I fucking mean those words, you'll never understand how I feel. Like I said before, I acted like I gave up. I acted like I didn't need you, I didn't see a need to keep telling you how I felt when it seemed like it won't change anything. It was the only thing I could do at that time. Everyone told me the same exact thing, "Get over it." Oh, how I wish it was that easy. I can't get over it, nor will I ever will. Yeah, it's only been two days, but I can tell now that I'll never get over this shit. People have tried making me feel better about this, telling me I can do better and I don't need someone like you. No one knows for sure if I can do better, but I am absolutely positive that I need you. Can't get you out of my head, and every time I think about you, I can't help but to just cry. It's really sad. I have never cried over anyone besides my family before. I have never cared and loved anyone as much as I cared and loved you. What hurts me the most is how you just left me, I was definitely not expecting us to end so quickly, and it frightened me. Yes, you did wait a long time and I understand why you're sick of me. But I thought you had more patience than that, and in my perspective you wouldn't have let me go so easily if you really meant the things you said.

The point is, I'm sorry for every fucking thing. I'm sorry for the shit I said that hurt and disappointed you. It's my fault that this happened in the first place, and I am so incredibly sorry. I regret everything. I don't want you to give up on me, and nothing is ever too late. I am obviously a slow ass fucking learner and it took me almost four months to realize how much I care for you, love you and need you. This has been a horrible experience, but I have learned A LOT of things I probably would've never learned if it didn't happen.

All I want right now is you and I now know how much you are important to me. I didn't realize that you became such a huge part of my life until now, and I apologize for not realizing it earlier..ugh how could I have been so stupid.

I love you so much Codie, and it pains me that you would leave me just like thatm and the fact that you're gone hurts me more than anything. I'm not used to you being so far away, and so different, nor will I ever get used to it or get over it.

People will probably think I'm the fucking stupidest person in the world, and they might tell me that I'm crazy for wanting you so bad, but who the fuck cares. This is how I really feel. They don't know everything that is going on between us. It's just you and me. This isn't anyone else's relationship; It's ours.

I don't think I can live normally without you. You've been such an important and huge part of my life. Sometime or another I might be happy again, but I would never be as happy as when I was with you.