Saturday, July 28, 2012 @ 10:43 AM

No issues = less posts on my blog.

Sorry. :-)

Why people accuse themselves.
@ 7:10 AM

What are you supposed to do when there's absolutely nothing or no one to blame for your aching heart? Turns out the one person that gave you the only feeling of certainty you've felt in years, the person who was your entire world, loves someone else. They blatantly tell you the truth, and damn, the truth hurts. You want nothing more than to curse them. Make them feel the lowest for making you feel worthless. But even bullies from your elementary school can tell you that degrading others in hopes of relief is no use. You so badly wish to blame them for everything: wasting years of your time, hurting you, leaving cuts and eternal scars onto your weak heart that's barely beating now. For embedding memories into your mind that will be cherished by you yet so competently discarded by him. You can't blame him for not being able to do something he can't do.. You can't blame anyone for not being able to fall in love with you, just how you aren't choosing to be in love with him despite the situation you're in. 

You begin to turn these accusations towards yourself. Questions arise and you can't help but answer them yourself. 

Am I to be held accountable for this? Did I cause this mess myself?

He fell out of love because of me.

Because of me. I did all of this.

You sound pathetic, you're mindful of this, yet no one else has the answers to your unending questions. Not him, not you. And when there's silence in the midst of you crying out for help, it's like you've got no choice but to turn things against yourself. 

Thursday, July 26, 2012 @ 6:46 PM

Accumulated for the past 3 months.



I should kill myself.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012 @ 11:39 PM

With each and every passing day I feel a bit better about my status. Being alone never felt so great. I look at the peers around me, most of whom are confined by heart breaking issues associated to some type of emotion or another, and I am actually grateful that I'm not stuck in such a situation. Not being bound to a relationship, assuming most serious ones are excessively fucking complex, is terrific. This is the release of freedom and bliss I've been searching for.

Sunday, July 22, 2012 @ 2:20 AM

When you aren't blinded by love, everyone around you that are in love look dumb to you.

@ 2:19 AM

Whoever you're thinking of right now, they must have hurt you or will hurt you at some point. The second you start caring is when you become vulnerable to their actions no matter how minor they may be. The moment you give them even the slightest bit of trust is when you are allowing them the privilege to crush your heart in the palm of their hands. To care for someone so dearly, with all of your heart.. takes a lot of courage. It's a daring task: to let someone in entirely and expose your strengths and weaknesses. It requires bravery and the greatest desire to love them to start caring and because you're aware of this, you may want to neglect your feelings for the sake of your own protection or even put up a facade in place of the truth by acting as if you simply do not care. However there are things you cannot achieve, and that is producing lies to your heart. Your heart is your conscience and it itches to find someone to care for. If it's not always, it's at some point in your life where you will care about someone so much to the point where you wish you no longer did. Pain comes with the price of caring, yet it's something we can't ever bring ourselves to stop.

Saturday, July 21, 2012 @ 5:04 AM

Finally relieved because the ache in my heart is growing fainter by the day.

@ 4:59 AM

I keep forgetting about this blog because I'm so busy during the day time. Means I'm slowly forgetting about my past too.

It feels like I'm losing a grip on my emotions. Days are becoming different, my routine is changing, however my emotions are not. They're still as empty as ever. Not happy nor sad.

Monday, July 16, 2012 @ 12:14 PM

Empty days, empty nights.

Friday, July 13, 2012 @ 10:45 AM

When you’re happy, you enjoy the music. But, when you’re sad, you understand the lyrics.

— Frank Ocean

@ 5:12 AM

My reaction when I opened the letter from Collegeboard containing my APWH score was probably priceless.

Although a 3 might be a disappointing score for some, it definitely took me by surprise since certain people that were highly expected to pass it did not, and I wasn't one of them.

I managed to pass. I PASSED.

This joy is even greater because I didn't have the slightest hope in passing since I thought I did fucking terribly. I'm just rambling now but yeah, point is, I'M SO PROUD OF MYSELF.

Thursday, July 12, 2012 @ 6:19 AM

The night before I left Korea, my uncle sat me down and lectured me about love. At first I was taken aback by this abrupt topic since not even my parents ever went in too deep about love or even emotions that might arise during my adolescence. To put it simply, everything he said—as much as I'd hate to believe it—felt as if it were the truth. Every word he spoke that night was wrapped with ache and sincerity. I felt it coming from deep within his heart with hope that I'd understand and avoid facing the experiences he had once faced as a naive child.

He said that without pain, love does not exist. Not merely a tinge of pain, but absolutely excruciating pain, the type of pain that suffocates your heart, chokes your throat, and controls your thoughts. If there is that kind of pain resting in your heart, that's when you're certain that your love is real.

Love isn't sweet. It isn't all about happiness, he said.

While he was lecturing me on this, all that flashed by in my mind was my past. I'd already felt the pain he was describing. I had fully experienced it before, it wasn't new. The only thing I felt was sadness approaching me as this realization came into picture. I didn't want to believe that I had ever loved that kid. I wanted to forget the entire thing in disbelief. But everything he had said that night was clarification that opposed to what I wished I could believe.

@ 1:21 AM

A rare photo update
Wednesday, July 11, 2012 @ 3:41 AM

Friday, July 6, 2012 @ 9:17 AM

The past few days have been good to me. I've regained calmness within my heart, although it's unknown how much more I can endure until I break again. Nothing's for certain, not now, not ever. I stopped suffocating myself with thoughts of my own issues, what I lack, and what's beyond my control. I kept myself busy so there's no time for my mind to search for negative thoughts to dwell on for an entire day. Basically, I've been supressing sadness by avoiding my thoughts completely; my emotions are detached from my heart and nothing gets to me like it used to. I haven't let anyone in long enough for them to have any impact on me, and it feels great. I feel secure. My walls are up again. Happiness hasn't been reached yet, but where I am now is better than where I used to be.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012 @ 8:23 AM

I'm okay now, thanks to all of this time spent alone.