Sunday, January 27, 2013 @ 7:07 PM

fuck

@ 5:33 PM


Getting over someone. People make it out to be much more easier than it actually is. I'm fucking tired of putting up this bull shit facade of being seemingly fine, happy, jolly, or whatever the fuck society expects me to be. I'm rotting away on the inside. My mind is clouded up with negative shit and no matter how much I work to fight against it, it overcomes me. I'm at defeat in a battle within myself.

That one incident blighted my life. It's not even just about him anymore. Losing him (which isn't much of a loss to be honest) took a toll on every aspect of my life, similar to radioactive radiation that seeps through the most minuscule of spaces and eventually fucks with everything in its path. Good things happen from time to time but nothing gets me intrigued. Nothing keeps me happy.

If I keep living with this sort of tainted mindset, my life's bound to be the nightmare I've been fearing, a bitter life alone in a grey toned world—or has that become my life already? I'm aware of the outcome of maintaining this routine of mine but I'm at a dead end. I'm losing hope to find change. I'm afraid that I'll dwell in this depression for a life time since it's already burned through nearly every barrier I've set up between it and I. I'll only be painting a mirage of dreams that will never come true by sitting here thinking things will turn around for me any time soon but I'm so, so fucking tired of feeling like this.

The worst part is, I have no clue on how to feel better. Materialistic objects aren't going to keep me up forever. Hell, I'm already getting bored of buying shit for myself despite my heavy dependence on "retail therapy". There seems to be a solution for everything besides my own situation.

Friday, January 25, 2013 @ 9:53 PM

More activity: fashion blog | tumblr | instagram

@ 9:50 PM

What a pathetic life I've been living.

Friday, January 18, 2013 @ 11:02 PM



Because what you think of me conflicts what you feel for me 

You’re so perfect to me
Nothing’s changed, the way I feel at all 
If I stay down, you’ll come around 
Eventually I used to say
It was only a matter of time
For your heart matters more than your mind 
And you tried to fight it and I don’t know why 
You didn’t stand a chance

@ 10:56 PM

I just need something (or someone) to keep me distracted until I forget you.

@ 10:55 PM

I can't stand to see you doing better than me. You don't deserve it.

note to self
@ 7:48 PM

Stop feeling like a low piece of shit.

No one is here to stabilize your emotions anymore.

No one is here to give you sympathy, no one is here to make you feel better.

It's all you, and you alone.

You're the one that has to take care of yourself. No one is here to help.

Get up and make something of yourself. Accomplish things that will make your parents proud and your past exes regret losing you.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013 @ 10:53 PM

Sunday, January 13, 2013 @ 11:49 PM

You can’t just make me different and then leave.

—	Looking for Alaska, John Green

Wednesday, January 9, 2013 @ 11:36 PM

There's only a slim line between me feeling on top of the world and feeling like the lowest piece of shit on the planet. My life is too unstable.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013 @ 8:40 PM

Perhaps I am addicted to the feeling of depression and forcefully putting myself down whenever I feel the slightest joy thinking, "I don't deserve this." I've lost touch with my emotions and I've forgotten how to feel anything besides this deep sadness I can't seem to escape.

Monday, January 7, 2013 @ 5:48 PM

I don't cry often, but when I do, a stream of tears rush down my eyes and it's so abrupt because what triggers it is something I impetuously scroll by or just happen to see or hear. It's as if crying means losing control; so much that your body ceases to obey you in the face of the fact. I thought I have gotten damn well used to seeing things that embraced your scent and carried your memories but all of that was simply due to the strength I've managed to build up and my resistance. I resisted in order for me to not fall back to square one again and I tried to resist you. But today, I've cracked, much more worse than any of the other times, while being wistful that you actually care.

While scrolling through the blog of a recent and seemingly unknown follower of mine, I've come to notice that he was going through a period of heartbreak of his own. A person's sadness always sparks my interests in a good way, because I wonder if they feel the same as I do; similar aches, hope that seems worthless but does not cease to dwindle, and the inevitability of experiencing the pain of only being able to watch their loved one from afar. And indeed, he felt as I did, or at least close, and while reading through his letter that will never be read by his certain someone, I could not help but feel envious of the girl he was writing to. How amazing would it feel to have someone cherish you in such a way, despite the numerous obstacles he may have faced that could have deteriorated his endurance to continue caring for you? I cried not only for my pain but his. Because being in love with someone you  aren't meant to be with is the most unfortunate thing.

@ 5:05 PM

Things would be different if you cared.

Sunday, January 6, 2013 @ 6:47 AM

A brand new year yet I am still stuck in this god damn misery of not being able to fully let go.

Forbidden friendly approach?
@ 6:45 AM

Yes. I still do think of you. Your name often (less than before, but still) comes out of my mouth. I still wish we had some sort of connection to each other. Memories with you still linger within my mind.

No. I don't think of you as someone I can spend the rest of my life with (no shit) and neither do you, meaning my intentions of reconciling does not associate with intimacy. No, I don't need you in order to survive and I never once did; no one needs a significant other in order to live, it's merely a desire for dependency that people disguise as a need. However, I don't want to keep continuing my life like this, I don't want to keep living with an ache that relates back to you, and I cannot help but think that your presence will assuage my situation.

It's ridiculous how many factors there are that hinder me from approaching you. Are you the same, or at least the similar person, or have you grown cold? Maybe your personality hasn't changed but has your interest towards me completely diminished? Has your life completely and drastically improved since we parted (for good)? Have you ever thought, at least once, about me and the role I've played in your life, and did I leave a positive impact in some way? Has your heart completely moved on and already learned to forget someone like me? Were you able to dispose of the memories that partially make us who we are today? If not, how could you neglect someone you shared so much history with. Isn't the time, tears, and efforts wasted worth anything to you?