@ 1:58 PM

I wasn’t looking for someone to make me feel happy. Of course I can be happy on my own. But I wanted to be someone else’s happiness. Do you know that feeling? To be someone’s first thought when they wake up and to put a bright smile on their face just for saying “hello.” Whatever it’s called, it is a feeling I can’t feel on my own, it is a feeling I was looking for, and it was what I meant when I said, “I can’t be alone.”

― Han Alexander

Sunday, January 15, 2012 @ 9:16 AM

I talk in an extremely negative sense, but it's only because I'm so blindly optimistic and it's a way to prevent more than enough disappointment for myself.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012 @ 8:17 PM

how the fuck are you supposed to "feel good about yourself" after so much shit
@ 7:48 PM

"When someone leaves you, don't hope and wait for that person to come back. Feel good about yourself and say, "Thanks for giving me the chance to find someone better than you.""

Quotes like these irritate me.

It's just another quote written by someone to plant false hope in someone that's hopelessly heartbroken. People should know that it never works like that. True feelings cannot be held back. Hope isn't something that you can easily get rid of. You constantly wish for that person to come back, knowing it might never happen. What if there isn't a "better" alternative? What if you were blinded from ever looking at others the way you looked at your loved one? What if you forgot how to love? What if your heart is forever attached to that one person that abandoned you? People die alone because they weren't able to find "better". They spend their whole lives either searching or waiting. A lot of people die loving someone that doesn't love them back.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012 @ 9:33 PM

I hate my house.

Being in it. It stirs depressing thoughts and I've no choice but to let it torture me.

School is the only thing that distracts me from thinking. The second I sit on the school bus on the ride home with terrible sad music bursting my ear drums, I start to think of you. The beginning of my own thoughts consuming me whole. I walk into my house through the front door, just like I have done for the past six months. After you deserted me, the routine I've kept up with took an abrupt turn. The one thing that my life revolved around went missing. My world entered chaos, frantically searching for the missing source. My life is in turmoil. Knowing that there is no one to wait for, meaning you, to arrive home, just like how it's been everyday, is probably the worst feeling I've ever felt. Knowing that you're no longer here. I can't help but wait hoping you'd enter through the front door and play your role of the center of my life again. You're the cause of peace in the midst of bedlam.

At the darkest time of the night, I laid in bed. I closed my eyes and inhaled through my nostrils. I catch the same old scent that I cannot describe. Even the scent of my own room aroused the arduous thoughts of you. I fall asleep with you in my thoughts just like every other night. It barely seems like an hour has past and I am suddenly awakened by a dream. You were the main character. The dream consisted of all the things I had wished to do with you and it would've been a good one. If you were here. Now it's just a nightmare. I wake up with high hopes and soon realize it was my mind playing tricks on me. I feel my eyelids start to droop. Wanting to prevent another dreadful nightmare, I put up a good fight, struggling to keep them open. But they feel as if they weigh a ton and my body gives in.

My heart aches. I hate love.

@ 12:10 AM

From an unknown time period, my blog has become a book filled with letters and notes written for you.

Monday, January 9, 2012 @ 8:01 PM

I've sat here for over an hour trying to organize my thoughts and put it in words, but nothing has come to me.

Nothing. That word strikes pain in my chest, it creates a hollow cavity in which my heart sinks into. I know nothing anymore. I can't remember the last time I had my life balanced out and was content with what I had done. The only times I can vaguely recall is a period of 6 months. It was the happiest times of my life, yet at the same time it caused unbearable misery that sends chills down my spine when I think back on it. There were just as much tears as there were laughter. He taught me the value of love. He was able to put me through hell then take me out and walk with me to the gates of heaven. There wasn't anything he couldn't do. Once he had my heart, all of his actions were exaggerated by a trillion, and the most insignificant things had the greatest impact on me. He took down not some, but all the walls I had built around me. I had allowed him to come in, as did he. I became susceptible. The amount of vulnerability should have caused me intense paranoia, but I was at ease. That's what trust does to you, I guess.

He was abstruse. A complex being. I was rather simplistic but difficult to understand. We were a horrible combination but deeply in love. Linked with just that, we dragged our relationship from one stage to the next, knowing that we could face destruction at any moment. I've always despised puzzles for the complicated process it puts you through just to solve it. When I met him though, things changed. I had no choice but to figure things out on my own, because he was different from me in every way. I learned to visualize things from his perspective. It was rather challenging; he was challenge itself. I pictured him as an obstacle, not in a sense where he distracts me from achieving better, but as something I could overcome and eventually earn peace. I had thought that once I change enough, once I learn his ways, once I realize enough, he would be happy with me, and I still think that.

When did things get so difficult? When did we start to go downhill? I'm trying. I've tried. I've changed. I've limited myself from people. But there is always one thing that sets him off and slashes down my self-esteem. Maybe the level of strictness was too much for me. He is my air and I can't breathe without him, but it was suffocating to think of everything I had to be on the watch for. Is true love supposed to be this complex? Is it supposed to feel unbearably painful? Can someone refer their emotions as being painfully in love? People can't focus on the most important thing: love. They allow insignificant crap cloud their vision of what's truly important. If you love them and they love you, nothing should hold you back.

I am guilty of making more mistakes than I should have. I still loved him though. He was my world, and I was prepared to spend an eternity with him. He found flaws in just about everything I did, or everything I am. I had trouble doing things the way he would like me to. I didn't love him the way he wanted me to, but that doesn't mean I didn't love him with everything I had.