This is for you.
Sunday, December 11, 2011 @ 2:05 AM

There's two sides to every story, and I just need you to hear me out. For once.

In some relationships, two people are constantly arguing about how much they think they did for the other person and how they didn't receive as much as they gave. They're both stubborn and get caught up in thinking that they did more, sacrificed more, gave more, said more, and loved more. And that is exactly what we're guilty of.

The foundation of our relationship lacked the presence of trust. It was set upon misunderstandings that grew and grew, and eventually led us to the end.

Now I am stuck at a dead end with no escape. There is nothing I can do to save us. I'm slowly losing hope, and I never thought it would come to this. I've tried feeding myself false hope because I can't let you go. How could I ever? You were the best thing that has happened to me. You were like the light at the end of the tunnel, something I always looked forward to and made everything better. You made everything okay. You turned what's unbearable into bliss. You've taught me how to love genuinely. You were the perfect guy and I could have never asked for anyone better.

Week after week, month after month, I fell deeper and deeper in love with you. Your flaws became perfection. You, were perfection itself. I trusted you completely. I felt as if we were going to last forever; with a love that strong, I believed nothing could happen to us. You made me feel invincible. Every second spent with you was a wonderful memory. No one has ever made me feel so loved, so happy. I couldn't help but become attached to you. Relied on you for every single thing. Clung on to you. I became possessive. I let jealousy consume my thoughts but I hardly showed it. I just couldn't afford to lose you. At that point, I couldn't picture life without you.

Challenges started to arise, just like any healthy relationship, but for some reason, we couldn't face them like any normal couple. Maybe we were too weak. Too fragile. I began to realize that our relationship was hanging from a mere thin strand of string, and even the lightest breeze could blow it away. We both contributed to our difficulties. Lies, assumptions, disappointments, excessive expectations. They all caused unendurable pain for the both of us. We continued to blame each other for mistakes instead of making an effort to solve it and talk it out. We had this despicable idea that one of us was tolerating the other more and how one is guiltier than the other.

But in truth, neither of us was guilty, or completely innocent.

We both fucked up in our own ways. I fucked up. And I cannot and will never be able to find the right apology to express how I sorry I am. I regret it all so much. I regret hurting you. Making you cry for nights. Causing irreversible pain. When all I've wanted to do was prove to you that you're safe with me, that you're safe here.

Our challenges became more complicated as the days went on. We loved each other so much, so much to even die to save our creation, but resented the path we were heading. You continued to accuse me of lying, when I didn't. You should've believed me that night, Mizu. You should've never left then.. You should've listened to what I had to say. None of this would have happened if you just believed what I told you. Because really, it was complete honesty. You chose not to believe it and I can't even blame you for doing so. It was my fault for causing instability in our relationship in the beginning. I'm at fault for everything. Even stupid misunderstandings like these.

Already a whole week has gone by since you left and the pain does not cease to fade in the least. This is literally killing me. Losing sleep, weight, happiness. These tears seem unstoppable. You're on my mind all fucking day and it torments me because you're no longer here. Everything hurts because I love you so much. I would really rather die than go through this. Going to bed at night thinking of how much I need you, followed by endless dreams of you that haunt my sleep, only to wake up disappointed because I realize you've abandoned me. I am never going to get used to this. I've never felt a heartache as bad as this one.

Being with you all the time has caused me to distance myself from others, and I did not mind that at all. You were all I needed. The idea of being happy with anyone else has never, ever crossed my mind. You were the only one important since the beginning. You were the only one that mattered. You were my world, my everything. And with your absence, I've no choice but to feel hollow inside. This whole time, it was all about you. I centered my life around you. I put myself through pathetic situations just to make you stay. I gave you everything I had to my name.

So with that being said, no. I won't give up on you.

I hate myself for being so selfish. All you want to do is get rid of me and erase every memory you've stored while I desperately rummage to pick up every thing that is lost. Maybe you'll be better without me. You'll find someone who'll stay true to you, who'll make you smile every single day, and match up to your expectations unlike me. While I just dwell here, awaiting for you to notice me just once. I can't bring myself to give up on someone I've felt so much with because of complications that got in the way. I won't let those damn misunderstandings ruin my hopes.

I'm waiting for things to turn around for the better. I'm going to wait for you.