Thursday, March 7, 2013 @ 11:08 PM

“You’re always in a rush, or else you’re too exhausted to have a proper conversation. Soon enough, the long hours, the traveling, the broken sleep have all crept into your being and become part of you, so everyone can see it, in your posture, your gaze, the way you move and talk.”

— Kazuo Ishiguro, Never Let Me Go

I wake up, go to school, work the entire school day (literally, I don't have a period to waste), come home, wait until the hours go by, sleep, and repeat. This year consists of monotonous routines that I've grown accustomed to and unfortunately found a sense of comfort in. I always remembered myself as an outgoing, sociable person, and I guess I still am to a point, but that part of me has certainly become one of my barren characteristics; unused and untouched. Being in solitude has grown into me as a habit more than a choice of leisure and I won't admit that my life is currently "ideal" because it most definitely isn't. I'm not enjoying a single bit of it but I'm only tolerating it (since I don't seem to have any other option). Reading that quote gave me some time to reflect upon myself as well as an unwelcome harsh realization of what my life has become and what I have become over the course of a year. I won't fully admit that I've changed due to the shittiest relationship of my life, although that did play a tremendous role, because a lot of it was self-related. How I perceived myself and what I've chosen to do. I've set my priorities and the list happened to exclude social activities and I guess, happiness. I'm only dealing with things now and too often do I find myself in a rush where I attempt to accomplish so many things at once and end up completing little to nothing. I'm losing touch with a lot of people, even with those who are physically close to me and that I "interact" with everyday at school because I'm always caught up in my own world, which includes constant work. I always seem to have something to do. I'm always constantly on the move. I always feel uneasy. When I actually have an empty schedule, it doesn't feel right. I'm so occupied that I don't have the time to reminisce about him, my past, or drown in a "pool of sadness" like before. I feel nothing and I feel as if I'm becoming nothing; a ghost.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm becoming a shitty friend, sister, daughter, and whatever else that requires human interaction, and I hope they understand. My life is hectic with imbalance and the calamity won't subside anytime soon. I'm just hoping this doesn't turn me (even more) bitter.