I need to stop but,
Sunday, September 16, 2012 @ 4:51 PM

Whenever I am asked to list the characteristics about my ideal guy, I just mention you.

It would take me years, or maybe I will never be able to describe the exact appeals of who you are to me. You're a douche bag, an immoral fuck that doesn't understand the realities of what life is, a boy who disappointed me in ways that I would have never expected. I put you on a pedestal above everyone I've ever known and I still do because of how much you once meant to me. I fell in love with you as a person. I fell in love with you entirely. I loved what you were interested in, I loved what you hated, I loved where you came from and your culture, I loved your parents and family despite never meeting them, I loved your extravagant hobbies. I took a liking to everything about you. There was not one thing that I found disapproving, with the exception of everything you've deliberately done to hurt me. Beyond the douche bag that everyone around me now knows you as, lies a sensitive person that I fell in love with. The person that blinded the harsh cruelties of my life and took care of me when no one else cared enough to. The person that was honest, (to an extent, I've discovered) the person who had conflicts of his own yet took the time to be the hero of mine. You've entered the darkest corners of my mind and you understood ideas and thoughts that no one before you ever has. And that is why I was fooled into the bull shit idea of us lasting forever. It wasn't very much a positive thing to be blinded by your love, I lost sense of the other aspects of our relationship and of my own life as well. After you, I've become a stranger to myself. I lost my identity and the person I am now contains only bits and pieces of personalities I've accumulated throughout these 8 months. You saved me once, then killed me over and over again. You've altered and redefined my idea of a perfect mate. My standards are high, my perspective has been narrowed, and my heart is closed off by walls that kiss the clouds. All thanks to you.

Maybe it will take me another year, or even a week to get over you completely. I long for nonchalance. I want to recover to the point where I won't even budge when I look at you in the eyes. Until then, I'm forced to dwell in these thoughts. Hope remains within me; hope that you're still a good person, the person that I remember you as.

No one will love you as much as I once did.