Wednesday, September 5, 2012 @ 6:17 PM

As a naive kid, I was told and believed that dreams were always opposite to reality and that it foreshadowed the future in someway or another. Even after several years, I still hold close to that belief because the dreams I have that include you are contrary to what happens in actual life that leave me in.. I'll admit, disappointments.

My mind likes to mess with me by sending me dreams that feel much too close to reality. It's those type of dreams that you can almost feel, taste, and smell, but you can't. You feel so close..yet it is nothing more than an illusion that is produced by the mind. Over the years I've also realized that dreams are synchronized with what you've seen while your mind is awake, whether it was unconsciously or deliberately. Whenever I fortuitously come across anything that is related to you, I almost always have a dream with you in it that night. It's horrible, it's so terrible. It's not like I want to regard anything that brings back memories of you. It's all by chance yet it happens so often. So often I encounter images of movies that you've watched with me, so often I hear the things we've solemnly promised to each other. It all means nothing now, so why does it still affect me in such a tremendous way? I want to forget and I've been trying to. All was and is well until I am reminded of you. Again and again.

I feel hopeless because I have no one to blame. I can't come up with a solid reason to why this is a constant recurrence. Am I to blame for all of this? I am trying but nothing is taking in full effect. My heart has already grown into a state of numbness where it no longer searches for love, since love doesn't seem to exist now. I'm not looking for a new attachment because I don't want nor need it. Am I to blame for the thoughts that gravitate to you when I'm laying in bed at night? Is it my fault for still caring when I don't want to? Am I really at fault for these intense mix of emotions of hate, anger, love, and sadness that arise whenever you're brought up? To this day, emotions that are clung to you remain within my heart. To this day and God knows how much longer, my heart has and will always have that room in which you once dwelled in. There will always be an aching spot associated with you. How sad it is to admit this with my own mouth, but it's the inevitable truth. It seems that it's just one of the things that I must live with until the pain is completely alleviated.