Seventeen.
Thursday, September 27, 2012 @ 3:19 PM

I've only a year left until I reach legal age. I feel so naive yet so.. mature. There are so many things expected from me. You'd expect more freedom as you grow older but in reality, it's quite the contrary. With increase in years comes with the increase in limits. The amount of things that differentiate between things you should do and things you want to do expand, and it's almost too overwhelming to accept. From an unknown point in time, I lost the exuberance to consider my birthday as something that should be celebrated. To some, I'm "only" seventeen. To myself, I'm seventeen already. After a decade and almost a half, I've grown tired of the mediocre celebrations and the extraneous attention I get for being born. It's really nothing special, if you think about it. Today is not much more different than any other. I breathe the same air, I'm in the same location, I'm sitting here writing on my blog about my worthless thoughts just like every other day. Age is nothing more than a number, just because I've gained another year onto my age label doesn't mean I've grown out of my inept mindset. Presents? The only thing I could wish for is someone to mold this shapeless day into something enjoyable. Someone that appreciates my day of birth to the point where it convinces me that it's actually significant. No one special to celebrate it with, every "happy birthday" wish feels the same to me.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012 @ 10:54 PM

Nothing is going right for me.

Friday, September 21, 2012 @ 11:43 PM

Because after everything, you can't blame the person who's trying their best to move on but can't. The true identity of the person they can't seem to forget is insignificant at this point. What matters is the emotions and memories that feel like gifts to them. Everyone has received a gift or a reward that's greater than anything they've ever received, and that experience is one that you can never forget. It is the type of experience that you'll tell stories about year after year and refer back to in every possible situation that you can. With this mindset, it's expected of them to be grateful for those memories, but at the same time, have a heart filled with grief, deluging in sorrow because they will be nothing more than simply memories. They dwell in the past and consign to oblivion of the present. They're only "okay" when their mind and body is occupied and even then, they're unable to be fully distracted from those thoughts. No distraction is enough. Experiences that have touched your soul, people that have engraved their names onto your pliable heart, are things you cannot fool your mind into thinking it has forgotten.

Thursday, September 20, 2012 @ 10:21 PM

Lately I feel like I have no one near me, besides Nat. Physically, so many people surround me, I have so many people around to talk to. Within, I'm filled with loneliness and the feeling of vast emptiness, the feeling of nothing. It's like touching something without being able to feel. It's as if my senses are defective.. I'm so numb. I feel so lonely, I feel so deserted. I'm so lost. I need guidance. And lately I've just been searching for you.

I need to stop but,
Sunday, September 16, 2012 @ 4:51 PM

Whenever I am asked to list the characteristics about my ideal guy, I just mention you.

It would take me years, or maybe I will never be able to describe the exact appeals of who you are to me. You're a douche bag, an immoral fuck that doesn't understand the realities of what life is, a boy who disappointed me in ways that I would have never expected. I put you on a pedestal above everyone I've ever known and I still do because of how much you once meant to me. I fell in love with you as a person. I fell in love with you entirely. I loved what you were interested in, I loved what you hated, I loved where you came from and your culture, I loved your parents and family despite never meeting them, I loved your extravagant hobbies. I took a liking to everything about you. There was not one thing that I found disapproving, with the exception of everything you've deliberately done to hurt me. Beyond the douche bag that everyone around me now knows you as, lies a sensitive person that I fell in love with. The person that blinded the harsh cruelties of my life and took care of me when no one else cared enough to. The person that was honest, (to an extent, I've discovered) the person who had conflicts of his own yet took the time to be the hero of mine. You've entered the darkest corners of my mind and you understood ideas and thoughts that no one before you ever has. And that is why I was fooled into the bull shit idea of us lasting forever. It wasn't very much a positive thing to be blinded by your love, I lost sense of the other aspects of our relationship and of my own life as well. After you, I've become a stranger to myself. I lost my identity and the person I am now contains only bits and pieces of personalities I've accumulated throughout these 8 months. You saved me once, then killed me over and over again. You've altered and redefined my idea of a perfect mate. My standards are high, my perspective has been narrowed, and my heart is closed off by walls that kiss the clouds. All thanks to you.

Maybe it will take me another year, or even a week to get over you completely. I long for nonchalance. I want to recover to the point where I won't even budge when I look at you in the eyes. Until then, I'm forced to dwell in these thoughts. Hope remains within me; hope that you're still a good person, the person that I remember you as.

No one will love you as much as I once did.

Saturday, September 15, 2012 @ 9:14 PM

What I want to believe vs. the truth

I Hate You - Urban Zakapa
@ 7:28 PM

Friday, September 14, 2012 @ 12:18 AM

School is my top priority. Increasing my GPA, accumulating enough community service hours, becoming devoted to extracurricular activities, passing the SAT with an acceptable score, focusing for the sake of my future; that's my priority.

Saturday, September 8, 2012 @ 12:02 AM

I miss being in Korea because for a brief period of time I was living a life much different from the one I'm so used to, the one that is nothing more than a constant dull routine. For once I was able to simply forget. I was able to forget the past and the upcoming stress. My mind wasn't so distraught all the time and there wasn't much to hold me down from reaching that peak of happiness I've been wanting for so long. It was a period of relief and remedy, and it was much too short to leave a lasting impact on me. I seek change, I feel binded to this monotonous routine of a life I've been living.

Friday, September 7, 2012 @ 10:00 PM

I'M NOT HAPPY.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012 @ 6:17 PM

As a naive kid, I was told and believed that dreams were always opposite to reality and that it foreshadowed the future in someway or another. Even after several years, I still hold close to that belief because the dreams I have that include you are contrary to what happens in actual life that leave me in.. I'll admit, disappointments.

My mind likes to mess with me by sending me dreams that feel much too close to reality. It's those type of dreams that you can almost feel, taste, and smell, but you can't. You feel so close..yet it is nothing more than an illusion that is produced by the mind. Over the years I've also realized that dreams are synchronized with what you've seen while your mind is awake, whether it was unconsciously or deliberately. Whenever I fortuitously come across anything that is related to you, I almost always have a dream with you in it that night. It's horrible, it's so terrible. It's not like I want to regard anything that brings back memories of you. It's all by chance yet it happens so often. So often I encounter images of movies that you've watched with me, so often I hear the things we've solemnly promised to each other. It all means nothing now, so why does it still affect me in such a tremendous way? I want to forget and I've been trying to. All was and is well until I am reminded of you. Again and again.

I feel hopeless because I have no one to blame. I can't come up with a solid reason to why this is a constant recurrence. Am I to blame for all of this? I am trying but nothing is taking in full effect. My heart has already grown into a state of numbness where it no longer searches for love, since love doesn't seem to exist now. I'm not looking for a new attachment because I don't want nor need it. Am I to blame for the thoughts that gravitate to you when I'm laying in bed at night? Is it my fault for still caring when I don't want to? Am I really at fault for these intense mix of emotions of hate, anger, love, and sadness that arise whenever you're brought up? To this day, emotions that are clung to you remain within my heart. To this day and God knows how much longer, my heart has and will always have that room in which you once dwelled in. There will always be an aching spot associated with you. How sad it is to admit this with my own mouth, but it's the inevitable truth. It seems that it's just one of the things that I must live with until the pain is completely alleviated.

Sunday, September 2, 2012 @ 10:14 PM

My thoughts slip away too quickly for me to dwell in them and actually figure out how I've been feeling. I can't describe my emotions anymore, they're easily swept away and forgotten. Nothing stays in my heart or mind.

Nothing bothers me or is important enough to occupy my thoughts, I guess. Some people may envy this new grown characteristic of mine but if you think about it, it's the saddest thing. I don't feel much anymore and I can't stress this enough. I want to be moved. I want to be emotionally connected with myself again.