Ambivalent.
Friday, March 9, 2012 @ 11:07 PM

This is the biggest struggle.

When you are caught between a cliff and a dead end. To fall or to remain drowned in sorrow. To give up or continue, risking emotions and destroying myself physically and mentally in the process.

Never let the things you want make you forget the things you have.

I have thought of giving up as many times as I have repeated, "I will never give up on you." Things were so difficult; whether I should continue with just broken pieces of a relationship once beautiful and thriving, or start with a new slate. My desires fucked with my mind, they clouded my vision of what my heart truly yearned for. I was indecisive. I was wrong. Happy, yet old memories reappeared into my mind and forced the fact that I will never feel like this with anyone ever again. I don't need him, but I'm choosing to suffer because I want to be with him.

His thoughts clash with mine however, he chose to give up and decided all of this suffering isn't worth it. That I'm not worth it. He wants nothing to do with me for the rest of his life, he says. I fool myself into thinking that those words were consumed with anger. That they are not 100% true, that his rage pushed him to say things that he didn't mean. But once again, I'm only fooling myself. Possibly to avoid the truth.

Enduring is difficult. Trying to control my emotions is difficult. Trying to forget the ache that is emitting from the core of my heart, hurts. It hurts, everything hurts so fucking much, but the thought of him turning around for me even once makes it all worth it. I can't give up. I can't move on. I can't leave where I am standing because I might miss him when he actually comes around.