Monday, January 9, 2012 @ 8:01 PM

I've sat here for over an hour trying to organize my thoughts and put it in words, but nothing has come to me.

Nothing. That word strikes pain in my chest, it creates a hollow cavity in which my heart sinks into. I know nothing anymore. I can't remember the last time I had my life balanced out and was content with what I had done. The only times I can vaguely recall is a period of 6 months. It was the happiest times of my life, yet at the same time it caused unbearable misery that sends chills down my spine when I think back on it. There were just as much tears as there were laughter. He taught me the value of love. He was able to put me through hell then take me out and walk with me to the gates of heaven. There wasn't anything he couldn't do. Once he had my heart, all of his actions were exaggerated by a trillion, and the most insignificant things had the greatest impact on me. He took down not some, but all the walls I had built around me. I had allowed him to come in, as did he. I became susceptible. The amount of vulnerability should have caused me intense paranoia, but I was at ease. That's what trust does to you, I guess.

He was abstruse. A complex being. I was rather simplistic but difficult to understand. We were a horrible combination but deeply in love. Linked with just that, we dragged our relationship from one stage to the next, knowing that we could face destruction at any moment. I've always despised puzzles for the complicated process it puts you through just to solve it. When I met him though, things changed. I had no choice but to figure things out on my own, because he was different from me in every way. I learned to visualize things from his perspective. It was rather challenging; he was challenge itself. I pictured him as an obstacle, not in a sense where he distracts me from achieving better, but as something I could overcome and eventually earn peace. I had thought that once I change enough, once I learn his ways, once I realize enough, he would be happy with me, and I still think that.

When did things get so difficult? When did we start to go downhill? I'm trying. I've tried. I've changed. I've limited myself from people. But there is always one thing that sets him off and slashes down my self-esteem. Maybe the level of strictness was too much for me. He is my air and I can't breathe without him, but it was suffocating to think of everything I had to be on the watch for. Is true love supposed to be this complex? Is it supposed to feel unbearably painful? Can someone refer their emotions as being painfully in love? People can't focus on the most important thing: love. They allow insignificant crap cloud their vision of what's truly important. If you love them and they love you, nothing should hold you back.

I am guilty of making more mistakes than I should have. I still loved him though. He was my world, and I was prepared to spend an eternity with him. He found flaws in just about everything I did, or everything I am. I had trouble doing things the way he would like me to. I didn't love him the way he wanted me to, but that doesn't mean I didn't love him with everything I had.