Unorganized
Wednesday, July 24, 2013 @ 2:34 AM

All I've ever wanted was to mean something to you, something that you'd want to guard and cherish, just as how I've perceived you. How ironic is it that I am having such an immensely difficult time trying to forget you, but the method I've chosen to take to accomplish that is by writing and thinking of you? Hell, haven't my posts always been this god damn ambiguous? One day I'd be content, the next I'd be engulfed below a thousand emotions that send me off into what feels like the pits of hell—and all of that instability derived from my pathetic dependence on you.

I still think of you often, mostly because I can't seem to accept the fact that I've given up—because I needed to. I was no longer good for you (or was I ever?). Every time we parted, I've always maintained that damned sliver of hope and (I'm ashamed to admit it) a tiny, tiny, speckle of a comfort zone, thinking I'd still be needed by you sometime or another, and we could meet each other again eventually. But this time, it's different. There's no more of that. There's no more "we"; you and I have become strangers. Maybe we have been strangers for awhile now, I just haven't realized it yet because I'm embarrassingly oblivious sometimes, but if that's the case, I'm finally learning where I stand, or have been standing. It's just so damn difficult to give up something you've endured so much for and was so passionate about. Over the many months and years I've spent around you, I've grown an unhealthy obsession with not only you, but my determination to prove that I meant everything I felt towards you. And I guess I've somehow subconsciously decided that holding on to you for dear life was the best way to show you that, and shit, that was the dumbest decision I've ever made in my entire life. I should have let go the first couple of times you pushed me away, but running back to you after the fourth, fifth, sixth, or even seventh time has developed a detrimental habit that's gotten me into this shit of a dilemma that I'm currently stuck in. When will I ever fully comprehend that I am no longer considered important to you? When will I ever escape from this mindset that's clearly outdated? I'm confined in ideas that expired much too long ago to even matter.

Is obsession, love? It sure seemed like it was at the time, no matter how many people shook their heads at me for "not giving up". If that wasn't love though, I don't know what is and I doubt I'll ever find out. Because right now, I'm certain I'll never be so devoted and passionate about someone like that ever again. And that is my biggest obstacle that I cannot overcome. I'm unable to love again.