Hi, I'm long. This is like a fucking novel.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010 @ 8:09 PM

I haven't posted a long ass post in awhile. Hope you don't fall asleep while reading it. n_n

I had nothing to do today, so I read through my MSN chat logs. (I do this often.) So many memories. It's a good thing I save all of it.

There was one file that caught my eye, mostly because it was the largest chat log file in my folder. 1000 KB? Or something close to that.

It contained memories from when me and that person were happy together and to when we both got so sick of each other we decided to go our own separate ways.

I'm going to be totally honest. I feel ashamed of myself. I sounded ridiculous.. When that person wanted to leave me I sounded to desperate. I was desperate. I wanted him so fucking bad..Now when I think about it, I have no idea why I wanted him more than anything. I was literally begging for him. What, me? Begging? Sounds lame.. but I did it anyways. What came over me? I don't know. Love?

By the way he was talking to me, the way he treated me, I should've been the one that left in the first place, but instead, he happily did my part.

"I can't trust you anymore, and you've hurt me, a lot."
...What?..How could he say the word trust when he was lying to me the whole time..And hurt? I'm the one that should be HURT. I'm the one that still has scars.

Then after that, he called me everything bad I could ever think of..but there was one that was absolutely ridiculous..Fake. Yeah that's the word. Hai guise, I'm fake1!1!11!! I put up a fucking fake front. Chyeah, right. I expected everything but THAT from you.

I begged, and begged, and I begged. He finally ran back into my arms and I thought I was in Heaven. (Which means I was extremely fucking HAPPY. "I was so happy I could die.") Unfortunately, happiness did not last long.

"I never wanted to come back in the first place. I came back because I felt bad."
(I think?) Was what he told me. Without hesitation. Which meant that he meant it 100%.

And I don't blame him for saying that, because he already had another girl in his heart. Of course he would say such a thing. It wasn't me who he wanted. And that shit's better than lying, I GUESS...

The words that came out of his mouth/keyboard were like knives. Seriously. And each time he spoke, I felt like I was getting stabbed in the mother fucking heart. Ouch.

I decided to give up on him. I gave him my everything, I tried my absolute best, but my best wasn't good enough. He was just that one person I could never satisfy. The emptyness fucking killed me inside. I wanted him so incredibly much, and I fucking loved him to death, but it was no use if I'm the only one who felt like that.

And it's partially my own fault that I got into this mess. I wouldn't have had my heart shattered, TWICE, if I just came to my fucking senses. I shouldn't have pushed him so hard and told him everything I felt when he wasn't with me. I basically made him feel bad for me, so he would come back. PATHETIC. I'm so fucking pathetic. This shit's like all my fault.

It was a one-sided love. The most horrible type of love anyone can ever experience. Why me? God. One-sided love is when one person is IN FUCKING LOVE with the other, to the point where they would think that they couldn't live without them and their bodies cannot function properly when they're gone. While the other one doesn't give a flying fuck about the other person's strong love towards them and is in love with another person/just dating them for fun, and what not.

I'm not bashing anyone. This post is here to tell you just how fucking pathetic/immature/inexperienced/lame/idiotic I am.

Anyways, those were the most horrible 2 months of my life, and still going. People close to me know how bad it was for me. LOL.. I didn't leave some of them alone and they had to deal with my complaining and crying. Hopefully I'll get over this shit and forget. Hao2forget? Ugh. Brain wash pls.

I really, truly, with all of my sincere heart, loved him. It's hard to forget shit like that. It's like it's stuck on to my brain, forever and ever. Constantly invading my thoughts and dreams.

"Psh, you don't know what love is, you're just a kid."
Shut, the fuck up. If this isn't love, then tell me what the fuck I was feeling, since you're so fucking wise and experienced.

I posted this because I really want to know what you guys think. Why do you think I stayed? Why do you think I was the only one so desperate, wanting him to stay, when he was so bad to me? I don't know why I did it, so you tell me.

Oh, and by the way, this is like my 'diary', I post things because in the future, I want to look back and see what I've been through and shit like that. Sounds cool doesn't it? /Sarcasm

So don't fucking criticize me or whatever you people do on the internet. Because I don't give a shit.

Just SAYIN'.