mewmyumew!

2012-03-02T02:49:00.001-05:00

I'm Kyle's bitch basically.
Not allowed to look or talk to you if he says so.
Can't be on websites without his consent.
Can't write blogs if he doesn't like them.
Can't reblog pics if he doesn't like them.
Can't hang out with people without him.
Can't hang out with them if he doesn't like 'em.
Can't play games without him.
Can't eat dinner alone if I can eat it with him.

unlimited-paradise

I still creep on some of these old blogs.

2012-03-02T02:46:00.003-05:00

CAN I F'ING SLEEP PLEASE GOdddddddd

have FCAT writes retakes tomorrow
please
kill me
can my life get any worse

2012-03-01T23:43:00.000-05:00

It's too fucking exhausting loving you.

Since I've stepped into your life as a lover, I've been struck with this feeling of difficulty that never seemed to come to an end. The harder we fell in love with each other, the more difficult it became to endure. We started with a thick rope that held us together. It gradually began to lose its durability as our hearts grew heavier. The strings were tearing apart until it was frayed. A strand of yarn is all that's left over after all of this; a strand of yarn is all that is holding us together.

I've always doubted the word, "forever" but you made me think twice about it. You made me believe that we could turn what was impossible into a possibility. You made me feel your love, leaving me black and blue and with ache. Giving up was never an option for me. Letting you go wasn't either. It's just so.. so painful to continue. But it's even more painful to be left alone again.

All I wish is for you to hold me close, cover me in your warm embrace, and make everything go away. You've done it before. I need it the most now. I need you more than ever before, but you've already ran so far away. When did we get so distant? It seems like it all happened so quickly, or maybe we neglected it enough to be oblivious of the growing distance until we were too far, too late. At one point I was able to feel your presence without movement. You were there to shelter me from everything bad. Now I'm unable to reach you even with the tips of my fingers.

I miss you, I miss you.

2012-03-01T16:45:00.001-05:00

I could be trapped in an empty room for the longest time and still find something to remind me of you.

2012-02-29T17:57:00.005-05:00

I don't want these limitations and restrictions to change who I currently am, because frankly, I like my obnoxious, ridiculous, immature self. I liked being social and whatnot. Now I'm trapped in a box, unable to freely express myself with limited freedom.

Things are changing. I don't like where this is going or who I'm becoming but these changes are currently sweeping over me. I can't get over them. I can't dodge them.

I'm changing.

I don't know if I'm going to like myself.

2012-02-29T14:06:00.001-05:00

I'd just like you to know that I'm aware of all my mistakes, so before you try to make me feel bad, just remember: I'm way ahead of you.

2012-02-29T13:49:00.001-05:00

I cannot get over how amazing BIGBANG's new album "Alive" is. It's so perfect. Every single song makes my heart happy, idk LOL can't explain with just words

2012-02-28T10:25:00.002-05:00

It bothers me how we can act like lovers one day and like strangers or even enemies the next.

2012-02-27T12:34:00.001-05:00

Holy shit.

2012-02-27T12:10:00.002-05:00

Instead of wasting our time pointing fingers at each other, we should have worked on a compromise. We both made mistakes. We both were wrong. Maybe one more wrong than the other. That doesn't get rid of the fact that we are obsessed with each other. That doesn't invalidate the love we've created this entire time and how we feel towards one another. We're both still in pain, drowning in sadness, acting on impulse out of frustration. We're unhappy with or without each other. Why can't we just learn to be happy with each other?

When I'm happy, he won't be. When he's content with the relationship, I won't be. There has to be middle ground. There has to be a way to be together without so many disagreements. Nothing is ever this hard.

2012-02-27T10:20:00.001-05:00

I think about how much I want to be with you and how much I can't because of our differences. Neither one of us will sacrifice for the other.

2012-02-21T17:14:00.002-05:00

Got my boyfriend's shirt today.

I plan on wearing this every night to bed.
FKDGNKFDNGFDKFdkgnfdngjkfndk so excited

I seriously smiled for like 2 hours straight when I saw this in my mail box and 2 hours more when I put it on. It smells so good why omgggggg

2012-02-17T16:23:00.002-05:00

Apology for the lack of lengthy posts and not posting regularly.

I've mentioned this a few times before and it's coming back again. I feel emptiness within myself. I'm unmotivated to do anything, and I can't get myself to get through my priorities which is school work. This issue was minor enough for me to get by without noticing it. I guess that was the problem, I shouldn't have neglected it because now I'm unable to find the missing part that I've been unconsciously searching for. I'm unsure of exactly what I'm feeling. Is it depression? Happiness? Confusion? Anxiety? Maybe I'm growing apathetic. I've been trying to fill this emptiness with material things. Splurged on myself with numerous new outfits, yet I still feel the same.

What's wrong with me.

2012-02-17T16:22:00.001-05:00

I love you, I love you, and I will always love you.

2012-02-14T15:14:00.003-05:00

First time to ever be in a relationship during Valentine's Day.
Yay for the love of my life being my first Valentine.

SN: Couple rings came in today and they're adorable. Hehe today has been perfect.

2012-02-13T15:57:00.001-05:00

I wish my freedom wasn't so limited.

2012-02-08T11:21:00.001-05:00

Never realized how much of a hard time I have talking to girls.

2012-02-07T15:36:00.001-05:00

Loving someone that absolutely hates you. Needing the person that wants nothing to do with you.

It sucks.

2012-02-06T14:35:00.001-05:00

Just because you're going to be fine doesn't mean I will be.

2012-02-06T00:17:00.001-05:00

There is no use in trying to make someone see the truth if they aren’t willing to admit that what they think might actually be wrong.

2012-02-06T00:02:00.001-05:00

Just so you know, I haven't given up. If I did give up, I would feel nothing. I wish I could feel nothing right now.

2012-02-05T23:23:00.001-05:00

I've reached a point where letting go seems better than holding on to someone that is pained by my own presence.

2012-01-29T04:32:00.004-05:00

[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
I won't give up on us.

2011.06.28

2012-01-29T04:23:00.002-05:00

Ever so often, when my mind is the least active and silent, I think back on you. You appear in my thoughts like smoke, seeping through the tiniest cracks despite how clustered it may be. I reminisce our first encounter, a rather short meeting yet powerful enough to leave a definite impression. In the beginning, neither one of us envisioned that our hearts would ever cross paths. Our frail friendship thrived on communication. More like venting about how difficult it was to handle specific issues in our lives. Slowly but certainly, our hearts grew closer. We didn't know then; we were unaware of how much we began to rely on each other until we felt their missing presence. The exact moment in which our hearts clicked is unknown. It's uncertain when we fell in love with each other, but it happened. Nothing was forced, nothing was rushed. It was a gradual process, falling in love, and I admit it was fairly difficult. Neither one of us fell out of love though. We always found a way back to each other.

There is at least one thing that reminds me of how much I love you, every single day. Until this day, there has been seven months of falling in love with you over and over again. 214 days of realizing that I can't be without you. You've become a part of me, and losing you would mean losing myself. I have no need to recollect the obstacles we've faced, but I must mention that we've overcome all of it together. Whether it was massive or minor, we were able to endure because we had each other. Through those challenges we were taught the importance of one another. Through that, our love is no longer fragile but firm enough to withstand whatever else life throws at us.

We see ourselves as two complete opposites of each other but actually, we are two very similar people. We weren't able to see the compelling similarities that brought us together. We were after the same thing this entire time. The search for our other half. The desire to comfort someone that is equally broken. To chase after the person that we want to create a future with. I have never been this certain about my feelings. I think it is safe to say that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. You're perfection in my eyes, there will never be flaw big enough to make me think otherwise. "I'm done," will never purposely or accidentally slip out of my mouth. For the near hundredth time, I will never give up on you. The love you gave me seems never ending, and I'll make sure to share the same love with you. I will never give up on what we created for so long.

Past my indecisiveness, I'm certain of one thing: My heart is fixed on you and only you. I will most definitely love you, always.

2012-01-23T22:34:00.000-05:00

It's funny how fake relationships are. People claim theirs to be "real" and that they share true love but we all know that if your girl suddenly gained 300 lbs, you wouldn't "love" her the same. Feelings shouldn't be based off appearance. Physical beauty will fade just as quick as your relationship.

2012-01-22T10:20:00.001-05:00

Random thought: I never thought I'd love someone being this protective over me. I love how protective you are.

2012-01-21T19:22:00.003-05:00

I spent way more time than I should have making this. I haven't been on IMVU in 3 years but today I had the urge to sign in. I ended up laughing at myself for being so immature when I got to my profile. I sounded like the typical stuck up "wanna-be ghetto" 12 year old and was embarrassed for leaving my profile up like that for so long.

Direct quote from the 12 year old me: "don't just stop by mah paqe`, leave a message or add me ."

Seriously. That was me. What made me think that q = g?

Then here's one from my friend when she was also 12 or 13, referring to me as her "child": "The love of my life! She is my child.. Oh yeah.. <3 We're in love.. Isn't that weird? huh? :]"

She isn't as bad as me, but I had a good laugh reading those.

2012-01-21T13:58:00.000-05:00

I wasn’t looking for someone to make me feel happy. Of course I can be happy on my own. But I wanted to be someone else’s happiness. Do you know that feeling? To be someone’s first thought when they wake up and to put a bright smile on their face just for saying “hello.” Whatever it’s called, it is a feeling I can’t feel on my own, it is a feeling I was looking for, and it was what I meant when I said, “I can’t be alone.”

― Han Alexander

2012-01-21T13:40:00.004-05:00

Mutual addiction is the best.

When the person you love is just as attached to you as you are to them. It makes you feel needed and wanted while realizing that they are all you care about. The feeling of fear upon this realization is only normal. Everything in your life revolves around them now, as if they are the source of gravity. They hold everything in place. When they leave, all of it would fall apart. It seems like they provide you with all you need; enough to feel content with only their presence and nothing else. You want to be with them so much, it grows into an addiction. In the midst of fear, you're also at ease. It gives you a feeling of safety knowing they too, have fallen into addiction.

2012-01-17T07:53:00.001-05:00

How many times have you given up on me?

2012-01-15T09:16:00.001-05:00

I talk in an extremely negative sense, but it's only because I'm so blindly optimistic and it's a way to prevent more than enough disappointment for myself.

2012-01-11T20:17:00.001-05:00

how the fuck are you supposed to "feel good about yourself" after so much shit

2012-01-11T19:48:00.005-05:00

"When someone leaves you, don't hope and wait for that person to come back. Feel good about yourself and say, "Thanks for giving me the chance to find someone better than you.""

Quotes like these irritate me.

It's just another quote written by someone to plant false hope in someone that's hopelessly heartbroken. People should know that it never works like that. True feelings cannot be held back. Hope isn't something that you can easily get rid of. You constantly wish for that person to come back, knowing it might never happen. What if there isn't a "better" alternative? What if you were blinded from ever looking at others the way you looked at your loved one? What if you forgot how to love? What if your heart is forever attached to that one person that abandoned you? People die alone because they weren't able to find "better". They spend their whole lives either searching or waiting. A lot of people die loving someone that doesn't love them back.

2012-01-11T19:32:00.003-05:00

I don't know where your heart went, it was just here the other day, now it's gone.

2012-01-10T21:33:00.001-05:00

I hate my house.

Being in it. It stirs depressing thoughts and I've no choice but to let it torture me.

School is the only thing that distracts me from thinking. The second I sit on the school bus on the ride home with terrible sad music bursting my ear drums, I start to think of you. The beginning of my own thoughts consuming me whole. I walk into my house through the front door, just like I have done for the past six months. After you deserted me, the routine I've kept up with took an abrupt turn. The one thing that my life revolved around went missing. My world entered chaos, frantically searching for the missing source. My life is in turmoil. Knowing that there is no one to wait for, meaning you, to arrive home, just like how it's been everyday, is probably the worst feeling I've ever felt. Knowing that you're no longer here. I can't help but wait hoping you'd enter through the front door and play your role of the center of my life again. You're the cause of peace in the midst of bedlam.

At the darkest time of the night, I laid in bed. I closed my eyes and inhaled through my nostrils. I catch the same old scent that I cannot describe. Even the scent of my own room aroused the arduous thoughts of you. I fall asleep with you in my thoughts just like every other night. It barely seems like an hour has past and I am suddenly awakened by a dream. You were the main character. The dream consisted of all the things I had wished to do with you and it would've been a good one. If you were here. Now it's just a nightmare. I wake up with high hopes and soon realize it was my mind playing tricks on me. I feel my eyelids start to droop. Wanting to prevent another dreadful nightmare, I put up a good fight, struggling to keep them open. But they feel as if they weigh a ton and my body gives in.

My heart aches. I hate love.

2012-01-10T10:08:00.001-05:00

I won't let it end like this.

2012-01-10T00:10:00.001-05:00

From an unknown time period, my blog has become a book filled with letters and notes written for you.

2012-01-09T20:16:00.001-05:00

People quickly grow tired of you.

2012-01-09T20:01:00.002-05:00

I've sat here for over an hour trying to organize my thoughts and put it in words, but nothing has come to me.

Nothing. That word strikes pain in my chest, it creates a hollow cavity in which my heart sinks into. I know nothing anymore. I can't remember the last time I had my life balanced out and was content with what I had done. The only times I can vaguely recall is a period of 6 months. It was the happiest times of my life, yet at the same time it caused unbearable misery that sends chills down my spine when I think back on it. There were just as much tears as there were laughter. He taught me the value of love. He was able to put me through hell then take me out and walk with me to the gates of heaven. There wasn't anything he couldn't do. Once he had my heart, all of his actions were exaggerated by a trillion, and the most insignificant things had the greatest impact on me. He took down not some, but all the walls I had built around me. I had allowed him to come in, as did he. I became susceptible. The amount of vulnerability should have caused me intense paranoia, but I was at ease. That's what trust does to you, I guess.

He was abstruse. A complex being. I was rather simplistic but difficult to understand. We were a horrible combination but deeply in love. Linked with just that, we dragged our relationship from one stage to the next, knowing that we could face destruction at any moment. I've always despised puzzles for the complicated process it puts you through just to solve it. When I met him though, things changed. I had no choice but to figure things out on my own, because he was different from me in every way. I learned to visualize things from his perspective. It was rather challenging; he was challenge itself. I pictured him as an obstacle, not in a sense where he distracts me from achieving better, but as something I could overcome and eventually earn peace. I had thought that once I change enough, once I learn his ways, once I realize enough, he would be happy with me, and I still think that.

When did things get so difficult? When did we start to go downhill? I'm trying. I've tried. I've changed. I've limited myself from people. But there is always one thing that sets him off and slashes down my self-esteem. Maybe the level of strictness was too much for me. He is my air and I can't breathe without him, but it was suffocating to think of everything I had to be on the watch for. Is true love supposed to be this complex? Is it supposed to feel unbearably painful? Can someone refer their emotions as being painfully in love? People can't focus on the most important thing: love. They allow insignificant crap cloud their vision of what's truly important. If you love them and they love you, nothing should hold you back.

I am guilty of making more mistakes than I should have. I still loved him though. He was my world, and I was prepared to spend an eternity with him. He found flaws in just about everything I did, or everything I am. I had trouble doing things the way he would like me to. I didn't love him the way he wanted me to, but that doesn't mean I didn't love him with everything I had.

2011-12-23T14:45:00.000-05:00

If for some reason, I was to give up on him and move on, I am never ever ever fucking getting attached to anyone again. I miss my independent nature. I miss not being so damn fragile and weak because of one person.

I AM NEVER FALLING IN LOVE AGAIN AFTER THIS. It's either going to be him or nothing.

2011-12-23T07:49:00.000-05:00

If you love someone, go after them. Claim them as yours before somebody else does. Tell them you love them, before somebody else does. Be a step ahead and be the first.

Do it before it's too late.

2011-12-22T19:44:00.000-05:00

I hate this one sided shit.

I love you, but you can't stand to look at me. You're smiling, I'm crying. I want you, but you want nothing to do with me. I think about you literally all night and day, but you have ways of distracting yourself. I'm restless during the night, and you're asleep, at peace. Everything reminds me of you. Every fucking thing. I can't get away from this no matter what I try to do. There is no one on this planet that can make me feel even a bit better except for you. But what are you doing? Why aren't you here saving me. Why are you letting these thoughts kill me from the inside out. Why are you just standing there when I'm calling out for you?

2011-12-21T23:43:00.001-05:00

We can both live without each other, with various input of efforts. The difference between you and I is that I don't want to live without you and you do.

2011-12-20T20:48:00.001-05:00

My Sunday.

2011-12-20T15:50:00.006-05:00

It was a rather joyous Sunday evening. Christmas shopping with my mom went surprisingly well unlike what usually happens when our personalities start to clash. As we pulled up our driveway, my dad ran out to greet us before we even got a chance to step out of the car.

"What took you guys so long? I made dinner! Come in and wash up."

I walked in through our cluttered laundry room, almost suffocated by the scent of the floral dryer sheets my sister recently picked out. Walking towards the kitchen, I had a perfect view of our dinner table completely set up and prepared for us. "He probably spent hours on this," I thought. It was nice of him to do this. I haven't seen a smile that big on his face in ages, it was always distraught with stress.

By the time I had washed up and changed into comfortable clothing, the whole family was already eager to start their meal.

"Always the last one to be in her seat," my sister made fun of me.

Half a second after I sat down, everyone dug into their food like they haven't seen it in months. I haven't even laid a finger on my spoon. My phone vibrated from the incoming text message on the glass surface of the table. I took a quick glimpse and picked up my spoon. My heart started to pound. I looked at it again, but for awhile this time. I put down my spoon and got up.

"What's wrong?"
"Nothing, I just don't feel like eating."
"Just eat some of it."
"I really don't want to. I'll be fine."

I turned my back against them and headed towards my room. I could feel a tear running down and wiped it quickly in surprise. I closed the door behind me and locked it. I read it again.

"You can't be with me."
"It becomes unbearable to be with you."
"You were a mistake."

Bits and pieces of words that took a stab at my heart. It felt like it was crumbling, everything was spinning. My vision was blurred with the tears that wouldn't stop flowing from my eyes. I probably read those texts at least a hundred times throughout the night. I wanted to beat myself up for making him think so horribly of me. It was never supposed to be like this. I always had this image in my head that we would last forever. Have a future together. Maybe it was foolish of me but it seemed so real. I thought I was trying hard enough.

Because I was so happy with him, I never expected him to be so miserable with me.

I was having a conversation with my conscience.

"Why does he keep leaving when I love him so much?" I would ask.

"Everyone has their boundaries. He went beyond his limit to make you happy and you failed him. Everything he said is true. You aren't good enough because you failed to prove your love. It doesn't matter if you truly love him or not, he never saw it in you and therefore feels like you were just a waste of his time. You had 5 months. Maybe you should just let go of him. Stop being such a burden. Stop causing him more pain than he can endure. Stop right here before you make things worse."

"But.. what about my pain? I tried so hard. I gave him everything. When I say everything, I mean every fucking thing I had. I have nothing left. I did my best."

"Maybe your best just wasn't good enough."

Will these tears ever stop? It feels like I'm going to live the rest of my life drunken by sorrow, regret, and resentment towards myself for not being good enough. What type of person am I? What kind of person fails to make the one person they love, happy? I honestly tried.. but will I ever be good enough for you? I've been through so many changes since I met you. For years I committed myself to building a wall around myself for protection, because I was deathly afraid of getting hurt again. You took down everything, brick by brick, just to leave me bare. Now I have nothing to shelter myself from. This is the weakest I've been. I have never felt so vulnerable.

I'm afraid. I'm scared of how life would be without you. It feels like I've been dependent on you for everything for too long.

2011-12-19T11:40:00.001-05:00

2011-12-19T02:17:00.001-05:00

I'll wait for you until you're forgotten.
And I'll never forget you.

2011-12-19T02:05:00.000-05:00

We are all guilty of the things we accuse others of.

2011-12-19T01:27:00.001-05:00

I wish my love was enough for you.

2011-12-16T15:18:00.003-05:00

Annotations(CC) on for English subtitles.

2011-12-16T10:18:00.001-05:00

You were the only one since the beginning.

Only person I've loved, cared for, gave everything to.

You're the only one that brought me such happiness, and now you're causing pain that I'm not used to. I want to rip my fucking heart out. I want to feel numb. I would rather die than feel this.

It was all about you. There was never anyone else.

2011-12-16T08:09:00.001-05:00

One hour of sleep.

2011-12-16T02:46:00.002-05:00

Because I'm never, ever good enough. Because there is always something wrong with me and what I do.

Always.

2011-12-11T08:35:00.002-05:00

This is what life brings me for actually falling in love with someone.

Abandonment. Agony.

This is what I get for being faithful and trying so hard to make it work.

2011-12-11T02:07:00.002-05:00

You hear me calling but still walking away. This pain inside just won't go away.

This is for you.

2011-12-11T02:05:00.000-05:00

There's two sides to every story, and I just need you to hear me out. For once.

In some relationships, two people are constantly arguing about how much they think they did for the other person and how they didn't receive as much as they gave. They're both stubborn and get caught up in thinking that they did more, sacrificed more, gave more, said more, and loved more. And that is exactly what we're guilty of.

The foundation of our relationship lacked the presence of trust. It was set upon misunderstandings that grew and grew, and eventually led us to the end.

Now I am stuck at a dead end with no escape. There is nothing I can do to save us. I'm slowly losing hope, and I never thought it would come to this. I've tried feeding myself false hope because I can't let you go. How could I ever? You were the best thing that has happened to me. You were like the light at the end of the tunnel, something I always looked forward to and made everything better. You made everything okay. You turned what's unbearable into bliss. You've taught me how to love genuinely. You were the perfect guy and I could have never asked for anyone better.

Week after week, month after month, I fell deeper and deeper in love with you. Your flaws became perfection. You, were perfection itself. I trusted you completely. I felt as if we were going to last forever; with a love that strong, I believed nothing could happen to us. You made me feel invincible. Every second spent with you was a wonderful memory. No one has ever made me feel so loved, so happy. I couldn't help but become attached to you. Relied on you for every single thing. Clung on to you. I became possessive. I let jealousy consume my thoughts but I hardly showed it. I just couldn't afford to lose you. At that point, I couldn't picture life without you.

Challenges started to arise, just like any healthy relationship, but for some reason, we couldn't face them like any normal couple. Maybe we were too weak. Too fragile. I began to realize that our relationship was hanging from a mere thin strand of string, and even the lightest breeze could blow it away. We both contributed to our difficulties. Lies, assumptions, disappointments, excessive expectations. They all caused unendurable pain for the both of us. We continued to blame each other for mistakes instead of making an effort to solve it and talk it out. We had this despicable idea that one of us was tolerating the other more and how one is guiltier than the other.

But in truth, neither of us was guilty, or completely innocent.

We both fucked up in our own ways. I fucked up. And I cannot and will never be able to find the right apology to express how I sorry I am. I regret it all so much. I regret hurting you. Making you cry for nights. Causing irreversible pain. When all I've wanted to do was prove to you that you're safe with me, that you're safe here.

Our challenges became more complicated as the days went on. We loved each other so much, so much to even die to save our creation, but resented the path we were heading. You continued to accuse me of lying, when I didn't. You should've believed me that night, Mizu. You should've never left then.. You should've listened to what I had to say. None of this would have happened if you just believed what I told you. Because really, it was complete honesty. You chose not to believe it and I can't even blame you for doing so. It was my fault for causing instability in our relationship in the beginning. I'm at fault for everything. Even stupid misunderstandings like these.

Already a whole week has gone by since you left and the pain does not cease to fade in the least. This is literally killing me. Losing sleep, weight, happiness. These tears seem unstoppable. You're on my mind all fucking day and it torments me because you're no longer here. Everything hurts because I love you so much. I would really rather die than go through this. Going to bed at night thinking of how much I need you, followed by endless dreams of you that haunt my sleep, only to wake up disappointed because I realize you've abandoned me. I am never going to get used to this. I've never felt a heartache as bad as this one.

Being with you all the time has caused me to distance myself from others, and I did not mind that at all. You were all I needed. The idea of being happy with anyone else has never, ever crossed my mind. You were the only one important since the beginning. You were the only one that mattered. You were my world, my everything. And with your absence, I've no choice but to feel hollow inside. This whole time, it was all about you. I centered my life around you. I put myself through pathetic situations just to make you stay. I gave you everything I had to my name.

So with that being said, no. I won't give up on you.

I hate myself for being so selfish. All you want to do is get rid of me and erase every memory you've stored while I desperately rummage to pick up every thing that is lost. Maybe you'll be better without me. You'll find someone who'll stay true to you, who'll make you smile every single day, and match up to your expectations unlike me. While I just dwell here, awaiting for you to notice me just once. I can't bring myself to give up on someone I've felt so much with because of complications that got in the way. I won't let those damn misunderstandings ruin my hopes.

I'm waiting for things to turn around for the better. I'm going to wait for you.

2011-12-08T20:10:00.006-05:00

It's sad when you can notice people running out of things to say to comfort your aching heart. Sympathy is just about all they can give you because it's unfortunate to watch someone drown their broken self in false hope. You resist the truth because it hurts. The truth is what will end up killing you.

You claim to have hope left when deep inside, you're unsure. You just want to hear those words from someone, even if it's coming from your own mouth. You act blindly optimistic because everyone around you is so fucking negative. You want to desperately hold on to the exquisite memories you've cherished for so long. It's difficult to believe that someone you held so damn close to your heart has grown so incredibly distant in a matter of days.. You don't want to face this. Not by yourself.

There is only one person that can save you from this misery.

But they choose not to.

2011-12-08T17:29:00.004-05:00

2011-12-07T23:19:00.001-05:00

It hurts. It hurts so much.

2011-12-07T14:33:00.003-05:00

I'm human too..

With a weak heart and thoughts that engulf every inch of my being.

I can only withstand so much until I break.

2011-12-06T17:37:00.001-05:00

At times I smile at the thought of you. At times I cry at the thought of you. And at times I hate how I’m like this.

I just want my happiness back.

2011-12-06T15:28:00.005-05:00

To put things bluntly, I don't need anyone's sympathy.

I'm not asking for it nor have I ever sought a lecture about how much of an imbecile I am. My intentions aren't to waste your time and burden you as you each have your own life to deal with.

Everyone tells me the same shit. The same exact phrase is repeated over and over again.

"You'll be fine."
"I'm sorry."
"You deserved better anyway."

To me, those words seem empty like careless words used to spare someone's broken heart. Those words sound like lies to my ears. Been there, done that. I know for a fact that I can't endure through this like any other strong person. It's not that I can't get over him. I just don't want to. I can't give up so easily on something that has so much value to me. I can't afford to lose this opportunity. I'm certain that I won't be fine nor do I deserve better, because he was truly the greatest. There is no "better" in my book. Nothing will disprove that.

I'm in desperate need of motivation. Something that will push me to accomplish what has always been stuck in my mind. To go after him even with the risks of increasing the distance between us. Pride isn't something that matters to me at this point. I'm prepared to put everything aside in order to redeem what I've had. Just once, I need someone to tell me that I need him. To run after him. To follow my heart. To go do what will make me most happy.

Being certain of my feelings doesn't seem to be enough. I'm afraid to try. I just need someone to clarify what my heart has been longing to tell me.

2011-12-04T16:32:00.001-05:00

"Me against enemies, me against friends. Somehow they both seem to become one."

2011-11-27T01:02:00.004-05:00

Giving up on something difficult is the easiest thing one can do.

So then why is it that I can't bring myself to accomplish such a simple task? Why is it so fucking hard to give up on you. Why can't I let it go like I have been doing before I've met you.

You've changed me. You've done something irreversible and I'm stuck with it.

I believe in happy endings, mine just seems so distant.

2011-11-26T06:42:00.004-05:00

It could be that I've been wanting too much; self-indulgent and ungrateful my whole life.

So eager to have things go my way, how I've planned it. Before any type of certainty I've developed a horrible vice of circulating those desires in my mind, expecting it to become reality. I would be lying if I said that nothing goes my way, but it's sure seems close to it.

Wouldn't life be a hell of a lot more bearable if your wishes came true? If 11:11 wasn't nothing but bull shit. If Santa Claus actually existed. If the Fairy Godmother wasn't a drawn out made up character. These mere ideas are exactly the things that fuck with us. Complete lies to enhance someone's dull life and to feed gullible people false hope. They were created so the hopeless would have something to hold on to, even if it's plain nothing.

For once, I'd like to experience stability. No longer do I want to feel like my world could be taken from right under me, sheltering myself in from constant paranoia. I want to be assured. No more playing games with my mind, no more guessing. I want to be certain without my thoughts wavering from one thing to the next. For once, it'd be nice to experience "forever" rather than the common lie that is said. General happiness won't last for an eternity, no, but you can always manage to find happiness again if you're with the person you love. This all ties in with consistency, stability, and certainty. I just want someone reliable enough to bear through everything with me until the end.

I want a future with you. And once will be enough.

2011-11-24T12:50:00.001-05:00

Today I am thankful for my boyfriend and.. Wait, that is all.

2011-11-22T09:50:00.001-05:00

The road to success isn’t traveled much anymore. Most people are now taking the shortcut, which usually takes you right back to where you started.

— Susan Gale

Reality check.

2011-11-22T09:46:00.002-05:00

What kids fail to realize these days is that without trying, you won't get anywhere. They seem to expect good things when they haven't done shit to earn them. Time is wasted partying and "living the life" when sooner or later, life will turn into shit and regrets. High school is a just another stage of life, but the one that will most likely determine your future. Decent grades and intelligence isn't everything to success but it'll sure take you further in life than doing nothing. Life isn't all fun and games, and it doesn't revolve around bad influences. Your success isn't determined by how many times you threw a party. No one is going to acknowledge and reward you for getting laid this many times. You aren't going to receive respect for attending the most parties in a year. The general mindset of kids these days ruin their potential.

2011-11-13T04:05:00.001-05:00

I invested so much hope into you, there's none left for anyone after you.

I look for you in everyone.

2011-11-12T06:23:00.002-05:00

It's scary how much an individual human being can impact you.

They say when you spend time with someone for too long, you start to pick up their characteristics. Some even say you begin to look like them. Unconsciously, their favorite things become yours, your speech reflects theirs, and the same things that annoy them, start to annoy you. You've grown so mentally and physically attached that you are under their influence. As the days go by, you cannot pull yourself off and picture yourself independently. Whenever you would think of yourself, that person is there too, right next to you. Ironically, their flaws look like perfection to you. You love them because of such imperfections and what others may perceive them as become irrelevant.

What happens next is obvious, but unexpected for those who are experiencing it. The person whom you've held so close to your heart is no longer with you. The reasons for parting are infinite. You want, no, need them to come back to you to fill the space they've left behind. You haven't realized before how much their absence hurts and although it feels familiar, how you feel then is a whole new kind of pain. Putting aside your pride, you approach them for another chance. But it's become too late. They've given up. No hope is left.

By no choice, you face the world to begin anew. Yet all you find yourself doing is searching for someone just like the individual in your past. You look for them in everyone, knowing no one will be quite the same.

2011-11-08T22:22:00.000-05:00

It's not what I feel for you. It's what I don't feel for anyone but you.

2011-11-08T14:59:00.000-05:00

2011-11-05T17:40:00.000-04:00

2011-11-05T17:37:00.000-04:00

Trusting someone is a simple yet difficult task. Everyone I've met, including myself, fear being betrayed by the people that they care about. It's truly a difficult thing to believe in someone completely because not one person will reveal every thought that passes through their mind. Being aware of this fact, it is only normal to have doubts. What matters is what you let those doubts do to you.

This is why trust is so important. Those doubts that're kept within your heart are either going to consume your every thought or just be simply ignored. You become paranoid when trust is lacking. For no logical reason, you start to doubt their words and nothing seems true until you see it yourself. Without even realizing it, you become the reason for the relationship's downfall.

Many think trust comes by forcing things upon others when really, it's the exact opposite. Trust isn't gained with force, it's only possible with the proper amount of freedom. Allow the chance to prove themselves as trustworthy. You can't stick them in a box, tell them what they can and cannot do, force them to excommunicate with their friends, and basically expect them to do whatever you wish and then claim to "trust" them. That isn't trust, it's being controlling, and it shouldn't even be considered as a relationship.

It all just comes down to being afraid.

2011-10-31T16:55:00.001-04:00

I will never run out of hope for our future, but lately it's been getting harder to hold on. I just want the best for you.

2011-10-28T17:56:00.000-04:00

Point out my mistakes and correct me if I am wrong. Set me straight, fix my flaws, and mold me into a better person.

But don't accuse me of something I haven't done or put the blame over me. You can't correct something that has already been set right. I'll admit to my faults, if I am at fault. Don't expect me to play guilty when I'm not.

2011-10-27T18:59:00.000-04:00

At the end of the day, there's only one person that can make me genuinely happy.

2011-10-23T10:12:00.003-04:00

"But we loved with a love that was more than love."

Edgar Allan Poe

2011-10-22T21:53:00.000-04:00

And after all that's occurred these past two years, it's amazing how we've ended up here. Together.

There were many opportunities where we could have chosen to be apart and continue our lives on different roads, and at times we took those chances. But at some point, our paths crossed and we ran into each other one time after another. These inevitable coincidental encounters have brought us happily together. And it gives me the motivation to never give up on you.

Maybe our encounters were simply accidents. Or maybe we're just destined to be stuck with each other.

2011-10-22T21:40:00.003-04:00

We are two completely different people from different backgrounds and with different interests, but somehow, we are able to “click” and are able to see all the good in each other that other people fail to see in us. That right there, is what I like the most about “us”.

So maybe, we don’t listen to the same music, and we don’t eat all of the same food, and we don’t always understand each other, and we don’t speak the same language at home. But when we’re together and it’s just you and me, and when we’re in a room that is completely silent, or outside, taking a walk at midnight, or giggling after we’ve bumped noses, I confess that I cannot wipe this stupid, silly smile off of my face because of you.

source: mellokitty

Took the words right out of my mouth.

2011-10-22T21:40:00.001-04:00

2011-10-21T17:34:00.000-04:00

You may go through life wearing a costume to hide your true self. When the final show is over and the curtain comes down, though, you must come to terms with who you truly are, not who you’d like to be.

20th Anniversary

2011-10-18T21:09:00.006-04:00

Two decades have passed since my parents' marriage, and I am grateful that they have made it this far.

It is much too common to see broken up households during these times of instability and I am grateful because I am one of the lucky few that have both parents by my side to guide me. My parents have been together for over twenty years. That means twenty years of arguing, fussing over tiny things, learning embarrassing details about each other, finding out new things that're irritating, disappointment, and hurting; but also twenty years of facing and overcoming obstacles together, efforts to sustain the strong bond they've created so it does not become frail, and coming to realize and accept the fact that they cannot go on without the company of each other. In spite of their clashing personalities and conflicting perspectives, they learned to compromise and admire those seemingly negative factors of each other. Twenty years of forgiving and condoning mistake after mistake, yet still being able to possess such high tolerance.

The endurance, compassion, and strength of my parents give me hope.

Everything is a competition.

2011-10-16T02:00:00.002-04:00

As soon as I find some skill that I am mildly good at, I start to lose my motivation.

I've heard the phrase, "Don't compare yourself to others," possibly a thousand times yet I find myself repeating the same actions I swore to resist, everyday. When I look around, all I see are prodigies that I could never match up to. They were born with the talents that I wasn't blessed with. Even if I am truly "good" at something, there are billions of people that are so much more talented that I could ever be despite my number of tries. All of these articles acknowledging child geniuses, people getting accepted into Harvard, professional singers, and millionaires―all around my age―begin to depress me. Truth is, I am nothing compared to these natural talents and I wonder if I'll ever be somebody.

Where do I stand with the merits I possess? Who will I become, what will my future be like? They say that your efforts are what determine your fortunes but the true result of trying hard is unknown.

I'm unsure if my best will actually lead me into becoming the best.

2011-10-15T20:13:00.000-04:00

2011-10-15T13:06:00.002-04:00

I am tired of the same old shit, same people, same place, same activities.

I need change.

2011-10-11T10:18:00.001-04:00

Feelings that come back, are feelings that never went away.

2011-10-10T17:52:00.002-04:00

Waiting and yearning for the better days.

2011-10-10T17:48:00.000-04:00

I hardly ever give up. Raising the white flag and surrendering to fail isn't an option for me. There are times where I want to throw everything I've worked for and quit because continuing the fight seems so long and difficult. But every time I am on the verge of giving up, there's this voice inside of me that chants, just a little more.

It never fails to plant enough motivation within me to keep me going. I view every "journey" or "experience" of mine like a tunnel. It may seem dark, dreadful, and it may seem like it will never end. You may even want to turn back around because the remaining path seems like it's stretched out forever. But once you turn around, you'll never be able to experience what's prepared for you on the other side. And who knows, you could have turned around just a step further from the exit. I would never want to lose a chance that I could have obtained if I just tried a little harder, a little longer.

2011-10-08T14:44:00.000-04:00

Society’s standards are fucked. If you’re reserved and quiet, you’re emo. If you’re open and expressive, you’re attention hungry. If you’re a virgin by 16, you’re doing something wrong. If you lose it by 16, you’re a whore. If you don’t compliment yourself, you’re begging for compliments. If you do compliment yourself, you’re full of yourself. If you’re unique, you’re weird. If you’re “normal,” you’re boring. It’s hard to find yourself in a world so centered around perfection, when in reality imperfection is what defines us.

Which is why I started to not give a shit about what people think.

All the times that I asked to get my ears pierced

2011-10-03T21:13:00.000-04:00

In Elementary school:
"Wait until you're in middle school."

In middle school:
"Wait until you're in high school."

In high school:
"Wait until you're in college."

And if I'm correct, in college:
"Wait until you're married."

2011-10-03T14:54:00.002-04:00

Just come with your heart, and leave the rest to me.

2011-10-02T20:39:00.001-04:00

2011-10-02T19:48:00.001-04:00

You say that you love rain, but you open your umbrella when it rains. You say that you love the sun, but you find a shadow spot when the sun shines. You say that you love the wind, but you close your windows when wind blows. This is why I am afraid; You say that you love me too.

You're the heart of my contentment.

2011-09-29T20:43:00.000-04:00

I hate how your emotions directly affect how I feel.

Whenever you're down and upset, I will do anything humanely possible to bring back your smile. I can't find a reason to be happy when you aren't; there's no happiness when the person you love isn't there to experience it with you.

It's like our hearts are connected.

I cannot help but consider your problems and issues as one of my own because, well, you've become this major component in my life. A complete unexpected encounter has led us to this. An addiction with each other called love. It's when those sappy cliche love quotes start making sense to you like, "I can't breathe without him/her with me." It's when you begin to experience those quotes being applied to your own life. It's when their presence becomes the greatest part of your day and their absence leaves an excruciating vacancy.

My heart has grown attached to yours. I care too much to disregard your emotions when they're invading my thoughts and continue to drag my hopes down. Your joy is my merriment. Your misery is my calamity. My mind will be restless until you're seemingly normal again. More often than not, I feel worthless when I make efforts to enhance your mood. I have doubts about my capability to actually being a benefit to you rather than just futile. I won't give up on you though, because as long as I see just even a sliver of hope, I'll continue to try. And I never run out of hope with you.

2011-09-28T23:49:00.001-04:00

Three months spent with you.

Thank you for being the best thing that has ever happened to me. I love you.

2011-09-27T18:30:00.001-04:00

Thanks mother.

2011-09-27T08:03:00.001-04:00

My mom just asked me what today's date was.

2011-09-26T22:29:00.000-04:00

I smirk when I read or hear about teenage couples that think they've found their true love and boast about their 2 month relationship. A form of prejudice is portrayed when people assume the strength of a relationship based on the length. I admit 2 months or even 3, 4, 5 months is nothing compared to 2 years, but it's still significant in every aspect. Often times people tend to neglect short term relationships when they actually mean so much more than that. I'm guilty for hypocrisy and judging others when mine could be viewed the same exact way, because never in my 15.9 years of life have I felt such incredulous feelings, and it only look these 3 "short" months to experience them.

2011-09-26T22:27:00.000-04:00

I don't know if it's the people in my school that annoy the fuck out of me or if the entire human race just irritates me in general.